momiji-aya

oh well, time surely flies.....

i have new role at work since July 2023. life wasn't easy on me in 2023. lots of emotional drains on work, dirty politics, betrayal and survival mode is at the most actively used hahaha

I have to wait 8 months to claim my reward after all the dramas at work, but yet things aren't get settled completely.

having layers of incompetence bosses is totally pain in the *ss

peoples at my department might think that i need this position badly, my boss might think i am naive and they can keep on using me to do things they couldn't fix because they don't want their hand to get dirty.

many times i would have slap them all with a fish

but then i realized, oh well, let them be.. it' like dealing with zombies, they only wanna eat my brain, while i am working my *ss off for my fur babies sake

at least they have to live their best while I'm around :heart:

2024, please be kinder...

Two of my favorite celebration in life are Christmas and Lunar New Year. But recently these 2 occasions gave me a terribly sad felling. In Christmas 2014 i lost my Mom, Lunar New Year 2023 i lost my father... out of the blue i am an orphan without elder i can count on anymore...

suddenly i am the eldest in the family where we are strangers one to another.. i wonder is this the time we start parting for real or should i work hard to get everybody's back..

my life recently filled with love of my doggos... work are no longer fun, beside the monthly payment.. its like a ticking bomb to chose keeping the job and lost my doggos, or dump the job and bring my doggos home...

i feel so lost

i'm not happy

not sad

just simply empty

I feel like i wanna write after sometime...

I get to learn a lot from this company i am currently working for, i get to see so less peoples have dignity and integrity. Most peoples get to their position not because they are capable, but because they have a/some 'backup(s)'. It doesn't matter if they are capable or not, they can sit still in nice position and untouchable. they are lucky, but become a disaster for the company itself. I do'nt know if the chairman aware of this. Obviously, Its sad, for someone like me who climb up with all effort i have these 11th year trying to earn living independently in this province.

moving from capital city to this province was not easy, i was so angry and lost back then, i never get to choose and walk on the path i want. back then i keep blaming the external factors. But, slowly i get to learn that i wont go anywhere if i never try, and failing is not the end of everything. After moving, life was never easy, i get to head to head with my parent who also moved to the province and force me to live with him and his evil family.

life gets tough, but i never gave up. i work like I've gone mad. Mad of this world for so many things i wanna do in my life which i couldn't, just because i choose to obey my parent, who i thought doesn't really care for how i feel. Or maybe he desperately care, but our frequency never met. I just wanna have a life that i want, and wish him to stay there for me when i fail. But what i used to get was judgement and heartbreak.

as i grow older literally, he also gets old, get sick... and what i feel is, what have happened between us for many years was nothing, things start to fade from sadness into emptiness.

at the work place, people treat me nice when they in need, some will dislike me just simply because i don't wanna play dirty along with them. and i get to see that this place is full of such peoples. and in the end, the opinion will be built that i am difficult. and bunch of idiots get to believe. well, i start to draw a clear line between me and such peoples. And i don't hesitate to 'punch' them real hard if they harm my dogs (yes it happened couple times). This is just a modern barbaric life chain that i cant avoid much because i still have something i treasure from this sad place, the weather and my dogs.

to be honest, i just want a peaceful life here, but after sometimes, negativity started to stack up. such as a sly new boss came from a well known very dirty and cunning county (of course not everyone from there are alike, few are decent). He also tries so hard to hang on and leeching from this company. i get big headache because of him. I avoid such personality, but he happened to be the top of leadership in this small place.

Well, lets work for a better things to happen!

I'm writing from the 6th years,

6 hours away from home :)

Happy New Year 2020

Happy New Year 2021

Happy New Year 2022

Seems like i have not writing anything since end 2019 when covid-19 pandemic restriction started in my area...

Well, life have changed a bit since... i have become more loner because of the OCD i had...

2020 was a very tiring year, i grow so many of grey hairs because of work pressures in pandemic.

2020 was also a blessing when my dog gave birth of 5 puppies on 9th November, my whole life changed. My daily filled with tons of Oxytocin from both mom and puppies, for months been only focusing on them growing and sent them for adoptions :heart:

During pandemic, my nose bleed from allergic of mask micro dust, both hands bleed cause of too much soap. I've been always distance myself from unnecessary physical contacts long before pandemic, i think, i have no problem to keep that habit. but yet, i got covid on March last year (2021)...

Symptom was once shivering, i thought i was too tired, exposed to new but a totally toxic department after my Mentor moved to other sister company by 2020 end. I was lost and could not face reality, cause we've been taking everything fro granted that i would also got transferred along. Both of us suffered a bit since we get used to the team we had for 4 years, we tried again by the end of 2021, but HRD always being PIA, these public enemy will retain you by making you think that you are nothing more than a tool until you are brave enough to throw a resigning letter to their desk.. oh well..

2021 was a struggle to adapt and accept, the options was back to the old Dept but with new Boss or stay in toxic Dept with all the corrupted PIA's whom I can do nothing about. All kind of intimidation, silent treatment, bully, racism, discrimination, manipulation, corruption, all kind of shallow peoples are there.. Peoples once i helped, turn out to be the worst backstabbers.

For 10 months i have another battle against myself, for how ugly the personality of the new person in charge.. that's where i learned of Stoicism, i started making peace with myself

it is not my problem of his integrity, personal hygiene, common sense, bossy, or all of the negativity in him and his family. I learned to look away, save my peace.

And then came a new co-worker who supposed to help me out, but she back-stabbed me after i transferred so much knowledge for her job-desks in her first 3 months of probation. Geezzz...

Last but not least... i'm alive... it means i am a survivor... guess I'll have a lot more coming through in 2022... erm... yay???